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9 November

Further proof that there is no justice in this Earthly vale of tears: the Reverend Billy has been sent to jail! Those of you who've read my book will know all about the Reverend, founder and spiritual leader of the Church of Stop Shopping, who has been preaching the gospel of anti-consumerism inside many a Starbucks outlet for some years now. Those who haven't yet heard of him, visit his website and save yourselves, children, before it is too late.

Billy got himself into trouble in April this year, after performing the laying-on-of-hands on a Satrbucks cash register in Los Angeles. He's now been sent to the slammer for three days for 'criminal trespass with intent to obstruct lawful business.' A show trial if ever there was one.

During this time, the Reverend has asked all those who are concerned at his martyrdom to don his robes and take on his role in a Starbucks near you. Here are the instructions he has issued for the benefit of the faithful:

Reenact Reverend Billy's Crime Against Starbucks!

Get some bad Elvis hair, a white collar, white jacket and enter a Starbucks store. Deposit information about child labour in coffee fields on the tables. Hallelujah! Feel the Spirit!

Cut out a thick strip of white cardboard and seal it over the back of your neck with some duct tape: that's your collar. Throw some cement on your hair and wear a white outfit. Now you're a preacher! Have a friend follow you with a video camera.

When you get to the store:

  • Stand outside the Starbucks with that mermaid logo in view, displaying a sign with your town and country.
  • Enter the Starbucks and place your fact sheets on the tables.
  • Raise your arms into the air and preach what the Spirit tells you, but make clear that the $4 lattes come from the DEVIL and child mortality rates in Guatemala are soaring.
  • Be polite to the baristas, they're just doing their jobs. Have your fun and leave, you've done your job!
Visit the Reverend's online church to find out more. And remember: only The Chosen shall be saved.

Posted by paul at November 9, 2004 12:00 PM

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